~

death by a 3 hour literature paper.

2 papers tomorrow= 4h 45min worth of writing

put into perspective, I have 7h 45min(consisting of 1 math paper and 6 essays to write) before exams are over.

and I wonder why most of those science students have such a nice exam timetable with only 1 paper each day, coming to the conclusion that people just hate arts students

contemplating abandoning all hope and just going to sleep now.

besides, why on earth is h1 math paper 2.5hours long??????????

coming to the realization that I'm not even doing a full history exam yet as exhausted as I am already the worst is yet to come.

rambling fractured thoughts

why do history students learn about the global economy pfft

as of now I officially hate all forms of higher education,

also hate myself for bringing this on myself

I swear I will never be so unprepared again

~~~
11:33 PM

so due to my experience in staying up late, I thought I'll just plot a timeline on the changes in my mood throughout the night/early morning

10-11pm: meh still early,I'm FULL OF ENERGY!!!!

11pm-12am: omg I am dying save me I'm too tired I can't do this anymore

12-1am: okay fine, I guess I'm not so tired after all, I can do this

2-4am: I want to sleep now now now I mean now my bed is beckoning me I love my bed I swear I will never leave it again I hate the world I hate my life I hate everyone

4-5am: what is this I.....

5-7am: stupefied coma(basically operating on autopilot, don't expect me to respond)

7-???: depending on the time/my mood/the weather/etc. I will either be dead the whole day or lightheaded and giggly

so now torn between sleep and my literature essay due tomorrow.

I shouldn't procrastinate, I shouldn't. Or I'll end up sleeping at 6am. But then I have no school. I shouldn't. Should I? I shouldn't. Hmm....

On another note my birthday is coming and I nearly got run down by a bus today.

~~~
11:57 PM

was reminded yesterday of why I love going to school really early in the morning,
it's peaceful and quiet and much cooler before 7am.

I really miss the days when we only had to stay in one classroom and the teachers would come to us for lessons.

I am milking this turning 18 thing for all it's worth and surprisingly it is working to some extent, but we'll see how things go...

school is still depressing and blah and the same doubts and insecurities as last year are back.

more pressure on all sides for me to decide on my future career or at least decide on the course I plan to study in university when I can't even begin to imagine myself taking A'levels at the end of the year.

~~~
9:05 PM

family photo minus my two older brothers, why is the picture so small ugh whatever.

I miss this place so much. And when I say this place I don't mean Korea I mean Japan.

have I mentioned that I need a new winter wardrobe?

~~~
9:34 PM

retreating into my happy place,

now that I'm back in this stifling space

a magical land that lights up at night,

where I play on my piano of ice

on a happier note, my new history tutor has inspired me and renewed my hope in the subject.

my school's open house is tomorrow and you wonder why I don't feel more excited

~~~
9:46 PM

"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here" - from Dante's Divine Comedy

that phrase has been in my head these past few days, and no wonder,what with school starting tomorrow.

but that's not the only one thing.

"No one is here by chance." SAJC's motto or something whatever.

I've been unconsciously repeating it over and over in my head until recently I realized that what I was saying(in my head) was wrong, instead of the word 'chance', I'd used 'choice'.

"No one is here by choice." over and over and over...

I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something.

~~~
9:26 PM

you know, believe it or not, there once was a time when I was actually genuinely interested and passionate about mandarin.

sure, it was only a brief window of time, but it existed.

it was at the end of 2004 to the middle of 2005.

I'd just got back from a family trip to Tasmania.

my mum's friend had come with us on that trip and she'd brought along DVDs of old chinese movies, like 'Dream of the Red Chamber', 'The Kingdom and the Beauty', 'The Three smiles' 'The Love Eterne' etc.

it's funny but I really liked these shows, and many more, and so for some time I really wanted to improve my own command of mandarin.

I still like these shows, and occasionally do still watch them.

I guess the reason I miss Korea so much,

is that it was an escape from reality, it represented freedom, and happiness

a time that was without burden and worry.

Jia Min is always telling me that Pisces people like to daydream and escape from reality.

well she's right.

because reality can sometimes slap you so hard in the face. Multiple times.

~~~
1:04 AM

just finished baking brownies for tomorrow's(or rather,today's) Christmas celebration.

thinking through the events of my most recent holiday in South Korea, and comparing it with my trip to Japan earlier this year, I realize that my feelings fluctuate as the holiday progresses.

I shall call this the "Holiday Feelings Curve", based on a 7 day tour of a foreign country.

Day 1: YIPPEE YAY YAY YAY I AM SO EXCITED TO BE GOING TO ANOTHER COUNTRY!!!

Day 2: This is so fun I love this place so many different sights and sounds!!!!!

Day 3: Why do I always have to wake up so early???? I hate this place I regret coming here, I want to go back to Singapore now!!!!!

Day 4: Hmm...Okay fine, I guess I could get used to this place, it isn't so bad after all...

Day 5: Lalala~ I kind of like this place..

Day 6: OMG 1 DAY LEFT??? NONONONONONONONO I LOVE THIS PLACE I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK!!!!!!!

Day 7: Back in Singapore already???? WTF NOOOOOOO (starts whining and ranting about Singapore)

I miss my super awesome amazing incredible patient reassuring bilingual Korean tour guide who, as an extra bonus, looks damn, damn hot in a suit.

my dry skin is the bane of my existence.

also, I regret not getting a new nose when I was in Korea.

~~~
12:57 AM