My Sanctuary

take one day at a time, don't think of it in large chunks of time. I should be able to last 2 more weeks right? Right? and then after that? just the rest of my life right? no biggie right? Right?

today was nice. I had a restful night, the weather was actually pretty cool today, public transport wasn't as crowded as usual, I got to indulge a little in my glasses fetish, my mum bought a giant box of seashell chocolates and when I got home the air conditioner in my room was fixed. so let it be remembered that today was a good day

this is the fucking reason why I don't like to talk to others about what I'm feeling and why I never should have.

Allie  puts it way better than I could.

It's been so long since I've had any cause for celebration. and even now, I wonder. If this truly is worth celebrating, if I even have a right to rejoice. after all, isn't this still a step down? am I not now merely a disappointment instead of being a total failure? i sit by my window, looking out as the world passes me by.  people walk by, busy with their own concerns, several glancing up at me as they pass by. i watch them from the other side of the darkened glass. But they do not know. a child, barely six years old, stops, and throws a rock at the window 'Come out and play' he says, but  he too, leaves after a moment. i retreat back into the cool, inviting darkness of the room and huddle in a corner, taking care to wind the spare lengths of my chain into a neat pile by my feet. it is nice here. it is dark here. i am alone here. The wind stirs me awake. Cool, refreshing breeze. Light, it streams through an open window. I leap lightly to my feet and...

reading my old blog posts from years ago, I'm stuck by a sudden sense of nostalgia and an intense yearning for the past, for the good old times when my biggest troubles were frivolous teenage crushes and passing little tests. you don't know how much I long to have love trouble as my single greatest problem right now.(not belittling love problems here,merely stating an example, like that trouble could be replaced by the problem of say, getting whiter teeth, reducing the eyebags under my eyes etc.) those days were just....so nice and peaceful and carefree. carefree. free from serious issues, serious choices and most of all from responsibility. I want to go back to how things were before. it is only with the benefit of hindsight that I am truly able to appreciate all that I had before. only when you've lost something can you finally appreciate its true value. and so I end this with a new or rather old reminder which I used to follow(or try to,to the best of my abili...

extremely late revelation, well not really a revelation, but you know how it's always so much easier said then done? so is this, just appreciating the little things in life, noticing and appreciating these little moments that brighten up my day, if only for a moment, if only for that moment. yes, there are good days and bad days, sometimes it just seems more like bad days and good moments. I realize I've become much more emotional and unstable, like for example how I never used to cry during movies etc because I really wasn't moved by anything on screen, but now I find myself bawling my eyes out almost every time someone dies/leaves etc am I gaining more empathy? And yet, slight improvements aside, I still can't seem to shake off this self-destructive cycle I've fallen into. but no, today's post I acknowledge the things I'm thankful for, the things worth living for, the things I've yet to but want to experience.