As I write this I am literally sitting here, at my computer, crying.
Why?
oh nothing, just the old my world is crashing down on me feeling, this time exacerbated by my low self-esteem.
I like to leave the cupboard door with the full length mirror open almost all the time.
why, my roommate once asked me.
because I need to check how I look like, I answered.
I act like I'm confidant in myself and my appearance because fake it till you make it right?
I never realized just how important how I felt I looked like was to me till today.
just how much hinges on my appearance.
my lips have been acting up lately, drying up.
I've never had this problem before, my lips have always been fine, so this really freaked me out.
today it was especially bad.
I can't even smile properly without it cracking and bleeding. And sometimes it just cracks by itself and starts bleeding, like it did today in the middle of lecture.
they look horrible.
so dried and cracked and horrible like I just got into a fistfight with someone and got beaten up.
so ugly I could hardly bear to look anyone in the face today because I felt so terrible.
going around the whole day feeling like I'm about to burst into tears because I feel like such a failure.(because I have this notion that if I look terrible, then I don't deserve to be around my friends or people I care about because I am useless and a failure.)
finally bursting into tears at home because I have no vaseline.
my lips are the same colour as my skin.
well except for the parts where it's flaking, bleeding or just looking weirdly bruised.
quite an apt description for what I'm feeling like actually.

and the worst things is that I can't go sleep off all these bad feelings because I have work to do.

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