Today I want to express my gratitude for whatever coincidence or whim of fate that saw me paired up with my current partner for my research project.

Okay so technically we're each doing separate projects and all, but we still need to work together a lot to create materials for the experiments, coordinate information, and bond over our mutual suffering.

It's true I've been more sociable this semester, but there are still precious few people that I actively like and seek to spend more time with outside of routine, unavoidable interaction. 

I guess I'm just marveling at the new found fact that I can, indeed, find people I like and want to hang out with.

To tell you the truth, I'd been a little worried recently at my inability to maintain friendships.

I mean, I do have my core group of close friends whom I love to pieces, but beyond that, nothing.

Not since secondary school have I managed to actually keep friends I made.

I either cut people off or let them drift away without doing anything to stop them. Heck, even when people I used to know tried to reach out to me, I either ignored them or actively rebuffed their efforts.

I suspect I know why I did all that, and of course, there were situational constraints and all, but I'm not going to go into it now.

Suffice to say, after steadfastly ignoring this problem for years, having to face it was painful, but instructive. And at least now I'm trying to rectify it. Baby steps.

Anyway, I just want to note down how incredibly grateful I am to have the good fortune to be able to work together with someone I get along and click with. We've more in common than I previously thought, and it's funny how natural the conversation flows. 

It may seem small or inconsequential, but I still marvel at that.

After all, it wasn't too long ago that it took a lot out of me to keep even a simple conversation going.

I can remember sitting there, in the midst of all the conversation and people talking around, over me, feeling utterly overwhelmed and confused at what I was supposed to do.

I remember the period of time when I lost all emotion and couldn't keep up with anything because people actually use a lot of emotion even in normal everyday conversation, and so basic understanding of that is needed to be able to effectively participate.

I remember when the sound of other people's voices grated on my ears, so much so that I flinched away from every word.

I remember losing interest in anything and everything, and eventually speaking, connecting, lost all meaning too.

I remember the silences. The isolation. The cry for help that so desperately wanted to be heard, yet was so desperately stifled.

I'm not there now, and that's why I can calmly look back on it, write about it, and reflect. 

But it scares me. 

Knowing I can fall so far, knowing that I have, and knowing that it still lurks there, at the back of my mind, always.

It is a part of who I am.

It does not define me, but neither can I ignore it.

So while I can, I shall enjoy and celebrate the little joys in life that I've now been made more attentive to.

Thank you for making me feel less lonely in the world.