Another semester over.

Well, almost over, just finals left and it'll be done.

In the midst of all the stress and whatnot, I often forget to be grateful for all the good things that have happened this semester, and sometimes I get so caught up in my thoughts going round in a destructive spiral that it seems as if nothing good did happen.

But they did.

I have definitely been a more functional and socially adjusted member of society this semester.

In fact, I do believe that this was the semester where I've been my most sociable, talking to new people, making new friends, trying out new experiences and actively working to change my dysfunctional thought patterns and behaviours.

This semester has been even busier than the last (a thing I did not think was possible), and I probably took on more work than I was prepared to handle.

There were so many times when I was consumed by stress, overwhelmed by expectations and my still crippling fear of failure (I'm trying okay), so many times when I wanted to just give up, to throw in the towel and admit that maybe I was the problem here, that I just simply wasn't good enough and never would be.

I'm still plagued by such insecurities, haunted by the feeling that I'm not good enough.

But I try to temper such thoughts by reminding myself about what Bob Ross said about how "Talent is a pursued interest. Anything that you're willing to practice, you can do". I've just embarked on research, of course I don't know a lot of things and I may not be able to articulate my ideas and lines of reasoning as well as established published researchers. I just need to keep at it, to keep practicing and learning new skills.

Because I really like doing research.

It's bloody frustrating at times, when late at night, after I've already read so many articles that the words start to blur, and yet I can't find that missing link, that missing connection between concepts, when I get writers block or can't for the life of me seem to come up with any new and fresh ideas, when everything seems impossible and I question why I'm even doing it at all, if I'm even cut out for this.

But it's also incredibly rewarding, and when I do research the hours just fly by, and more often than not, so many new and interesting research questions pop up that I wish I had the time and resources to do everything!

It satisfies my craving for knowledge, and I find all aspects of psychology fascinating (of course some aspects I only find interesting to read about, and not research about), and I'm just incredibly grateful that I've been given this opportunity to embark on my own research project, with a, I must admit, good supervisor. I have the freedom to kind of do what I'm interested in ( to a certain degree) and the best thing is that despite what my inner critic and failure doomsday thoughts like to tell me, I don't actually have much to lose. For one, this project is pass/fail, so I don't have to worry too much about getting a perfect grade etc. and instead I can focus on learning and the research process itself.

I'm hoping that at the end of this, I'll be more certain about whether I do want to continue pursuing research in the future.

I am grateful that my classes this semester were all alright, I didn't actively dislike any professors or students this semester (okay maybe 1 student), I met new people that I liked spending time with, I got to spend more time with my close friends, got re-employed (when I thought my RA job was ending this semester but now I'll get to continue next semester too!), and I'm just incredibly grateful for my university experience (though it's kind of a love-hate relationship). 

Oh, and not to forget, my summer university experience in Germany. It was life changing, as my therapist said, and I'm inclined to agree. 

Maybe I'll write about that another time. Or just transplant entries from my journal. Eh. 

Lots of obstacles and struggles, mainly with myself, but I'm still here aren't I?