thinking about it, I realize that learning Japanese is the only thing I've ever pursued purely out of interest.
there aren't really any achievements I'm planning on accomplishing, no pressure to succeed in it, no endgame.
I'm learning it simply because I like it.
sometimes, when people ask, I tell them about how I'm planning on taking this certification or that, just to seem like I have stuff planned out for the future, like I'm trying to justify what I'm doing, to make this seem more legitimate or something.
but I don't really care actually.
I like Japanese culture, I find their language beautiful, and that's all there is to it.
and I am lucky to be able to pursue this interest like this.
so the thought of continuing my lessons again is pretty exciting.

I met my old Japanese teacher today.
talk about a blast from the past.
it's...odd really.
my dad's death anniversary just passed a few days ago, and then seeing her again today just reminded me of the past once more, and how much time has passed.
a year ago, I was barely holding on.
now, well.
life still sucks pretty much, living with a mental illness, but even on my worst days and darkest hours, I live on with the knowledge that I am still better off now than I was before.
no matter how much I think I may have regressed, I am still in a better place, because rock bottom was a year ago, and anytime else is already a step up.
it's a little surreal, hearing her talk about my old classmates.
I have nothing but fond memories of them, but then remembering how I was when I met her, when I met all of them, it's feels a little disorienting.
she's going back to Japan for good at the end of July.
that saddens me.
Honestly, I've tried not to dwell on things from a year ago but now I'm reminded again of how much I miss her, of how much I'm going to miss her.
seeing her smile again, I couldn't help but smile back, a timely reminder that yes, life sucks, but sometimes it doesn't.