My Sanctuary

thinking about it, I realize that learning Japanese is the only thing I've ever pursued purely out of interest. there aren't really any achievements I'm planning on accomplishing, no pressure to succeed in it, no endgame. I'm learning it simply because I like it. sometimes, when people ask, I tell them about how I'm planning on taking this certification or that, just to seem like I have stuff planned out for the future, like I'm trying to justify what I'm doing, to make this seem more legitimate or something. but I don't really care actually. I like Japanese culture, I find their language beautiful, and that's all there is to it. and I am lucky to be able to pursue this interest like this. so the thought of continuing my lessons again is pretty exciting. I met my old Japanese teacher today. talk about a blast from the past. it's...odd really. my dad's death anniversary just passed a few days ago, and then seeing her again today ju...

My last paper ended 2 hours ago, which means that finals are over! And now I'm just sitting in my hostel, at my very messy desk, overflowing with various notes and textbooks, evidence from the frantic desperate week, procrastinating on packing up. looking out the window, at the surroundings I'd grown so accustomed to seeing, thinking about how much I'm going to miss this place. I never thought I would grow so attached to this hostel. when I first moved in I didn't even think I would be spending much time here, and now I can't bear to leave. I don't know what's suddenly gotten into me, with this sudden wave of nostalgia. maybe it's because my first year at uni is so suddenly over and I'm unexpectedly still in one piece. or maybe because I didn't get much sleep last night and I'm just rambling. I've been sitting here in silence just contemplating the past semester for a while now. it's very calming and peaceful. well, time t...

you know what's more stressful than not having any life goals? actually having goals because I can't help but freak out over everything because everything I do now seems to be failing horribly and just pushing me further and further away from what I'm trying to achieve and I just have so much to do now and no time and everything's so overwhelming like I don't want to disappoint people or myself but right now I'm really falling short of my own expectations and standards and I don't know what to do and on top of everything else of course there's always the constant threat of a relapse and oh fuck it all. I just want someone to come and reassure me that everything's going to be okay and that I can handle all this shit just fine. Because I sure as hell don't believe my own scant words of encouragement to myself.

first, or is it the second major freakout of the semester? so tired, unable to move, unable to will myself to do anything. panicking all night long, unable to sleep. why is it so easy to lie to people? why do people depend on me? it was just too hard to get up, put on my normal face and do things today. everything seems so overwhelming and pointless. I'll try again tomorrow. but fuck is it goddamn hard.

I would tell you how tiring this all is, but I'm too tired to muster up the courage to say it. I would write about how weary and empty everything is, but it's just too exhausting.

New Year's resolutions for 2014: (a little late but I've been thinking about it lately so why not.) 1) Recovery. Work at it, continue with it, and try to stay stable insofar as that is possible. 2) Continue to exercise. Do it for yourself, and also because it helps and is an important part of 1). 3) I feel like I should put something here about expanding my social circle and being more social and stuff but eh. 4) Like really, I think I should be writing about going out of my comfort zone and stuff but again, eh. because that's it really, all I want from the year is to be healthy.

In 2013, I met 2 teachers who both made an incredible impact on my life. the first, was my Japanese language teacher. I met her in may 2013, and she taught me Japanese for the next three months. she was like one of those anime characters, the super perky and optimistic kind that you feel like strangling because nobody could possibly be that bright and happy all the time. but she was. ( and I didn't feel like strangling her) she was always cheerful and smiling, optimistic and encouraging, friendly and open. despite the language barrier, and despite being a first time teacher, she did an absolutely splendid job, and will always remain one of the people I am most thankful to have met. her lessons were really enjoyable and engaging, and I always looked forward to them and attended almost all of them diligently. note that this was at a time when I was at one of my lowest points in my life, in the midst of my depression and isolation, she was this shining beacon of light and hap...