My Sanctuary

you don't really realize just how rarely you get to personally say goodbye to someone at the end of a relationship. be it your family member, friend, or significant other. hardly ever do you really get closure. I'm struggling to put into words what I'm feeling. because I'm honestly glad that you're doing fine, and that you're going off to get a fresh start. but I still resent you. For reasons that aren't actually your fault. there, I've said it. I wish you all the best, and I hope you will enjoy yourself, but I can't bear the sight of you, news of you, or anything related to you, not yet. undoubtedly time will heal all wounds, and some day, when I'm better, maybe... I am aware of how incredibly selfish all this talk about myself sounds, I, me, I. no doubt you too have no wish to ever see me again, and I don't blame you. may our paths never cross.

School is starting again tomorrow, and I'm nervous. I'm trying not to panic, to be more optimistic about the new school year, but then optimism has never really been one of my strong points. it's been a good holiday I think, and I wish it never had to end. I went on a holiday, did a lot more baking, and read 5 new books. I'm particularly proud of the books. I used to love reading. I mean, I still do, I love books and reading. but before this holiday, it's been a little over 2 years since I've read a book, let alone 5. me, the one who used to carry a book around everywhere, who once borrowed almost 20 books from the library to bring home to read. I didn't really notice it, or maybe I just didn't want to. my friends and I all love to read, it's one of the things that brought us together. these past 2 years, I would hear them, see them, with new books and such and it saddened me. you know, the part about losing interest in things you used to...

today I did something that scared me. it will probably seem insignificant to many, but still, I did it. steeling myself up to pick up the phone, I kept telling myself not to feel scared, that I've faced scarier phone conversations before and survived, that there wasn't anything to be afraid of. even now my fingers still tremble a little. I'm trying, honestly. but it's so hard, and I'm so tired. it feels like I'm trying to claw my way up a slippery slope, you think you're making progress but suddenly, inconceivably, you slip up and down you go again. is this my new normal? please no.

thinking about it, I realize that learning Japanese is the only thing I've ever pursued purely out of interest. there aren't really any achievements I'm planning on accomplishing, no pressure to succeed in it, no endgame. I'm learning it simply because I like it. sometimes, when people ask, I tell them about how I'm planning on taking this certification or that, just to seem like I have stuff planned out for the future, like I'm trying to justify what I'm doing, to make this seem more legitimate or something. but I don't really care actually. I like Japanese culture, I find their language beautiful, and that's all there is to it. and I am lucky to be able to pursue this interest like this. so the thought of continuing my lessons again is pretty exciting. I met my old Japanese teacher today. talk about a blast from the past. it's...odd really. my dad's death anniversary just passed a few days ago, and then seeing her again today ju...

My last paper ended 2 hours ago, which means that finals are over! And now I'm just sitting in my hostel, at my very messy desk, overflowing with various notes and textbooks, evidence from the frantic desperate week, procrastinating on packing up. looking out the window, at the surroundings I'd grown so accustomed to seeing, thinking about how much I'm going to miss this place. I never thought I would grow so attached to this hostel. when I first moved in I didn't even think I would be spending much time here, and now I can't bear to leave. I don't know what's suddenly gotten into me, with this sudden wave of nostalgia. maybe it's because my first year at uni is so suddenly over and I'm unexpectedly still in one piece. or maybe because I didn't get much sleep last night and I'm just rambling. I've been sitting here in silence just contemplating the past semester for a while now. it's very calming and peaceful. well, time t...

you know what's more stressful than not having any life goals? actually having goals because I can't help but freak out over everything because everything I do now seems to be failing horribly and just pushing me further and further away from what I'm trying to achieve and I just have so much to do now and no time and everything's so overwhelming like I don't want to disappoint people or myself but right now I'm really falling short of my own expectations and standards and I don't know what to do and on top of everything else of course there's always the constant threat of a relapse and oh fuck it all. I just want someone to come and reassure me that everything's going to be okay and that I can handle all this shit just fine. Because I sure as hell don't believe my own scant words of encouragement to myself.

first, or is it the second major freakout of the semester? so tired, unable to move, unable to will myself to do anything. panicking all night long, unable to sleep. why is it so easy to lie to people? why do people depend on me? it was just too hard to get up, put on my normal face and do things today. everything seems so overwhelming and pointless. I'll try again tomorrow. but fuck is it goddamn hard.