My Sanctuary

New Year's resolutions: 1) Finish the online course on coding and making games. 2) Get back to exercising once a week (was alright for the first half of 2015, then totally stopped during the second half) 3) Start meditating again. (again, not sure what happened second half of last year) 4) Continue being more open with people. 5) Keep working on recovery. I am so scared and excited and nervous for this year, and I'm not quite sure which emotion dominates. All the best me, I can't believed you've survived another year.

Today I want to express my gratitude for whatever coincidence or whim of fate that saw me paired up with my current partner for my research project. Okay so technically we're each doing separate projects and all, but we still need to work together a lot to create materials for the experiments, coordinate information, and bond over our mutual suffering. It's true I've been more sociable this semester, but there are still precious few people that I actively like and seek to spend more time with outside of routine, unavoidable interaction.  I guess I'm just marveling at the new found fact that I can, indeed, find people I like and want to hang out with. To tell you the truth, I'd been a little worried recently at my inability to maintain friendships. I mean, I do have my core group of close friends whom I love to pieces, but beyond that, nothing. Not since secondary school have I managed to actually keep friends I made. I either cut people off or let them

Another semester over. Well, almost over, just finals left and it'll be done. In the midst of all the stress and whatnot, I often forget to be grateful for all the good things that have happened this semester, and sometimes I get so caught up in my thoughts going round in a destructive spiral that it seems as if nothing good did happen. But they did. I have definitely been a more functional and socially adjusted member of society this semester. In fact, I do believe that this was the semester where I've been my most sociable, talking to new people, making new friends, trying out new experiences and actively working to change my dysfunctional thought patterns and behaviours. This semester has been even busier than the last (a thing I did not think was possible), and I probably took on more work than I was prepared to handle. There were so many times when I was consumed by stress, overwhelmed by expectations and my still crippling fear of failure (I'm trying o

Do you know how long it's been since I was up this late doing work???? Okay, so like, 5 months. Still, it's only been what, 3 weeks since school started? I just want to sleep dammit.

So it's father's day today,and I'll be lying if I said I wasn't affected. it's always the little things that remind me of him. since I've been here in Germany, the one thing that always comes up is cars and driving. almost everyone I know drives ,or is learning, so you kind of stick out if you don't and have no intention to, like me. it's easy to laugh off and give the excuse that it's because Singapore's too small and it's too expensive to own a car anyway, but that's only part of the reason why. For me it's mainly because driving reminds me so much of him. He was such a great driver, driving since he was 18. he would fetch us around without complaint, and I grew up wanting to learn how to drive, secure in the knowledge that even if I didn't know anything or was scared, he would always be there to help and guide me. but he's not, not anymore. and I still can't get into a car without thinking of him, being reminde

Last Thursday we went to see  Neuschwanstein castle. line was too long so we didn't bother queuing for tickets and just went straight to trekking uphill to it. the climb was shorter than had been indicated on the website, definitely not 40 minutes, maybe 20 I think? the view was gorgeous, especially the one on the bridge behind, we also scrambled up this other hill in search for a better view from higher up, but the one from the bridge is still the best. I love mountains, hills, and big green spaces, probably because we hardly have that back home. as I stood there, taking in the beauty of it all, I marveled at being there at all. in an entirely new place halfway across the world, with friends, feeling blissful and content. just being able to appreciate the beauty of that moment, being able to live in the present, I couldn't help but feel incredulous. Grateful too, of course, so, so grateful. gradually, over the past 3 weeks, I've gotten started thinking about my rec