My Sanctuary

do you know what it feels like down here in this pit? "And, added she, musingly, ―the thing  that irks me most is this shattered prison, after all. I’m tired, tired of being enclosed  here. I’m wearying to escape into that glorious world, and to be always there; not  seeing it dimly through tears, and yearning for it through the walls of an aching heart;  but really with it, and in it. "- Wuthering Heights having stayed up all day, needless to say, a bad day.

the five stages of grief and how they feature in my search for closure. the stages have helped, in one way or another, in helping to understand. because it's right, sometimes acceptance may just mean having more good days than bad days, maybe you never will gain true acceptance, just the ability to cope. I count the days when I don't get so irrationally angry, bitter and resentful of the people around me that I go off and hide somewhere by myself as good days. but it's hard. I know that people asking after my well being are just concerned and being nice, that I shouldn't snap back at them with an angry sarcastic retort, because that doesn't help anybody. yet I just can't help feel that all they're doing is reinforcing their own ego, to show how freaking noble they are and shit because it's sad, but the only socially accepted and expected answer to the question "Are you okay?" is "Yes." once, in response to my teacher repeatedl...

So here's my favorite quote from Tess of the D'Urbervilles, who after a year and a half just miiiight be growing on me a little. A Little. Angel: Retty was naturally morbid you know Tess: Without the least cause. While they who have cause to be hide it, and pretend they are not. Love her just for the sheer bitchiness of it, and come on it is very applicable to so many situations and even more people out there,so now whenever someone's going all drama queen on me this line just keeps running through my head. come to think of it, she might not have meant it in a bitchy way, but I doubt it. and unfortunately, I don't see how this quote will be applicable to any of my future essays on this book.

Honestly, this really is quite amusing and novel. for once in my life I'm totally unprepared for an exam and I couldn't give a shit. It's like today's history paper: Didn't study for any essay questions so just bullshitted enough for one side of the paper for each question then took a nap what? tomorrow's math paper + lit consult : Haven't even touched any notes or done the lit essay that was assigned for the consult but I frankly couldn't give a damn. Still watching running man at this time when my paper's at 8am and you need sleep to do math but I don't even care whaat? economics papers in 2 days covering the whole syllabus which of course I haven't even looked at but meh. results for BT2 are going to be interesting, very interesting. and you know what? I really, seriously do not care. it's like it's not even my life anymore, I'm looking down somewhere at someone else messing up their own life, I just feel so removed fro...

I hate this year. It's just been so tiring. Becoming more self-destructive what with my addictive personality/obsessive behavior and extreme sleeping patterns due to the fact that I can no longer sleep in total darkness or without reading first, and provided that it's at like 3am when I'm already worn out or if I had only like 3 hours of sleep the day before or something. I guess some might say I'm acting out or some shit due to my loss but I say bugger off and leave me alone to wallow in self pity What is this world that we live in I am not a morning person. I dislike unnecessary social interaction before at least 11am. Honestly I'm fraying at the edges. having to put dreams on hold, added stress now that you're gone. Why dad, why. On another note, not sure if I'm falling sick or not, fever seems to have broken after taking panodol so pardon my incoherence and gloomy tone it'll pass.

with a sigh of resignation I shoulder on as I realize that I'm going to have to get used to it sooner or later. am finally reading the hunger games series, at an awkward time when there's so much shit to be done and yet I'm still procrastinating like this. essays I should have done days ago are not going to magically write themselves just because the deadline's in a day.

death by a 3 hour literature paper. 2 papers tomorrow= 4h 45min worth of writing put into perspective, I have 7h 45min(consisting of 1 math paper and 6 essays to write) before exams are over. and I wonder why most of those science students have such a nice exam timetable with only 1 paper each day, coming to the conclusion that people just hate arts students contemplating abandoning all hope and just going to sleep now. besides, why on earth is h1 math paper 2.5hours long?????????? coming to the realization that I'm not even doing a full history exam yet as exhausted as I am already the worst is yet to come. rambling fractured thoughts why do history students learn about the global economy pfft as of now I officially hate all forms of higher education, also hate myself for bringing this on myself I swear I will never be so unprepared again