My Sanctuary

they may be terribly few and far between, but I live for days like these. "you did a very good job." I can't even remember the last time I was praised for some work I'd done, either by others or myself. so I will cherish these words, and the incredibly light feeling of euphoria they invoked, as if all my troubles had suddenly disappeared, I just felt so elated, so... light. as if a great burden had been momentarily lifted from me, making me almost giddy with joy. having to stop myself from grinning like an idiot in public because for however long this weird high lasts, I feel like I actually have some hope.

the semester is ending. today was the last class discussion we had for the introduction to public administration module. I just want to note down my good feelings and enjoyment of the course before the madness of finals hits and I start hating everything. I really didn't expect to enjoy this module as much as I have. this is really due to my professor, and I'm reminded yet again of the wonders a passionate teacher can do. I mean, the material can still be dry and seemingly never ending at times, but his little anecdotes and patient understanding in the face of our ignorance (it helps that I'm taking it with first years so expectations are lowered) plus how excited he gets when talking about it, you can really see the passion shining through and how fascinated he is by it, just rubs off on me and I find myself thoroughly engaged by it too. this module has really helped opened my eyes to a lot of things, it's jump started my critical thinking skills again and ...

End of a tiring week by watching the rurouni kenshin movie! I've always liked the series, having watched it since I was a kid. when  I re-watched and reread it 2 years ago I fell in love with it all over again, but this time, for different reasons. when I was younger, the story was what enthralled me. Solid story telling, likable and well developed characters, awesome action sequences, and the anime had a fantastic music score. of course I still love all that about the series. Now though, I can more fully appreciate the themes in the story, the subtle nuances, the tragedy, and most of all the strength that kenshin displays. the story resonates so well with me because I finally understand why hiko was so frustrated with kenshin, just how broken kenshin was, how the lack of that one fundamental thing could kill him. The loss of his will to live. for a majority of people, their will to live isn't something they've ever thought to question, it's automatic, intuitive, ...

so I may have overreacted a few nights ago. the sad thing is, that is not the first nor will it be the last time I ever cry over something like that. at least the week's finally over, thank goodness. what with me being a wreck, physically, mentally and emotionally, all I want is a break. so I'm going to go sleep this off, and hope that when tomorrow comes, everything will indeed be better.

As I write this I am literally sitting here, at my computer, crying. Why? oh nothing, just the old my world is crashing down on me feeling, this time exacerbated by my low self-esteem. I like to leave the cupboard door with the full length mirror open almost all the time. why, my roommate once asked me. because I need to check how I look like, I answered. I act like I'm confidant in myself and my appearance because fake it till you make it right? I never realized just how important how I felt I looked like was to me till today. just how much hinges on my appearance. my lips have been acting up lately, drying up. I've never had this problem before, my lips have always been fine, so this really freaked me out. today it was especially bad. I can't even smile properly without it cracking and bleeding. And sometimes it just cracks by itself and starts bleeding, like it did today in the middle of lecture. they look horrible. so dried and cracked and horrible like I ...

you don't really realize just how rarely you get to personally say goodbye to someone at the end of a relationship. be it your family member, friend, or significant other. hardly ever do you really get closure. I'm struggling to put into words what I'm feeling. because I'm honestly glad that you're doing fine, and that you're going off to get a fresh start. but I still resent you. For reasons that aren't actually your fault. there, I've said it. I wish you all the best, and I hope you will enjoy yourself, but I can't bear the sight of you, news of you, or anything related to you, not yet. undoubtedly time will heal all wounds, and some day, when I'm better, maybe... I am aware of how incredibly selfish all this talk about myself sounds, I, me, I. no doubt you too have no wish to ever see me again, and I don't blame you. may our paths never cross.

School is starting again tomorrow, and I'm nervous. I'm trying not to panic, to be more optimistic about the new school year, but then optimism has never really been one of my strong points. it's been a good holiday I think, and I wish it never had to end. I went on a holiday, did a lot more baking, and read 5 new books. I'm particularly proud of the books. I used to love reading. I mean, I still do, I love books and reading. but before this holiday, it's been a little over 2 years since I've read a book, let alone 5. me, the one who used to carry a book around everywhere, who once borrowed almost 20 books from the library to bring home to read. I didn't really notice it, or maybe I just didn't want to. my friends and I all love to read, it's one of the things that brought us together. these past 2 years, I would hear them, see them, with new books and such and it saddened me. you know, the part about losing interest in things you used to...