My Sanctuary

I also resolve to study much harder next year. I mean, I love my major, so it's really just years of ingrained laziness and procrastination that's stopping me. I've already seen for myself that studying produces results. I don't know why that still surprises me, because it really shouldn't. and my dreams are within reach, I can see it. All I have to do is put in the effort, and I will. I will.

the end of another year is almost upon us. I was reviewing my New Year's resolutions for this year and I actually managed to fulfill one of them.  Of course I dismally failed the other, failed so badly I don't even know where to start again. am I better off than I was a year ago? Specifically I mean December of 2013?  Definitely not. I mean, don't even get me started on where I was a year ago. It still hurts to think about it, of how different my present could be if things had only gone differently. but am I better off than 2 years ago? Hell yes. I will admit there have been tremendous setbacks this year, but on the other hand I can not ignore the progress made, no matter how little. I've actually surprised myself by setting some new life goals to work toward to in the coming few years. they're still pretty tentative, and the thought of not being able to fulfill them terrifies me everyday, but it's a start in giving some direction to my life. I und...

they may be terribly few and far between, but I live for days like these. "you did a very good job." I can't even remember the last time I was praised for some work I'd done, either by others or myself. so I will cherish these words, and the incredibly light feeling of euphoria they invoked, as if all my troubles had suddenly disappeared, I just felt so elated, so... light. as if a great burden had been momentarily lifted from me, making me almost giddy with joy. having to stop myself from grinning like an idiot in public because for however long this weird high lasts, I feel like I actually have some hope.

the semester is ending. today was the last class discussion we had for the introduction to public administration module. I just want to note down my good feelings and enjoyment of the course before the madness of finals hits and I start hating everything. I really didn't expect to enjoy this module as much as I have. this is really due to my professor, and I'm reminded yet again of the wonders a passionate teacher can do. I mean, the material can still be dry and seemingly never ending at times, but his little anecdotes and patient understanding in the face of our ignorance (it helps that I'm taking it with first years so expectations are lowered) plus how excited he gets when talking about it, you can really see the passion shining through and how fascinated he is by it, just rubs off on me and I find myself thoroughly engaged by it too. this module has really helped opened my eyes to a lot of things, it's jump started my critical thinking skills again and ...

End of a tiring week by watching the rurouni kenshin movie! I've always liked the series, having watched it since I was a kid. when  I re-watched and reread it 2 years ago I fell in love with it all over again, but this time, for different reasons. when I was younger, the story was what enthralled me. Solid story telling, likable and well developed characters, awesome action sequences, and the anime had a fantastic music score. of course I still love all that about the series. Now though, I can more fully appreciate the themes in the story, the subtle nuances, the tragedy, and most of all the strength that kenshin displays. the story resonates so well with me because I finally understand why hiko was so frustrated with kenshin, just how broken kenshin was, how the lack of that one fundamental thing could kill him. The loss of his will to live. for a majority of people, their will to live isn't something they've ever thought to question, it's automatic, intuitive, ...

so I may have overreacted a few nights ago. the sad thing is, that is not the first nor will it be the last time I ever cry over something like that. at least the week's finally over, thank goodness. what with me being a wreck, physically, mentally and emotionally, all I want is a break. so I'm going to go sleep this off, and hope that when tomorrow comes, everything will indeed be better.

As I write this I am literally sitting here, at my computer, crying. Why? oh nothing, just the old my world is crashing down on me feeling, this time exacerbated by my low self-esteem. I like to leave the cupboard door with the full length mirror open almost all the time. why, my roommate once asked me. because I need to check how I look like, I answered. I act like I'm confidant in myself and my appearance because fake it till you make it right? I never realized just how important how I felt I looked like was to me till today. just how much hinges on my appearance. my lips have been acting up lately, drying up. I've never had this problem before, my lips have always been fine, so this really freaked me out. today it was especially bad. I can't even smile properly without it cracking and bleeding. And sometimes it just cracks by itself and starts bleeding, like it did today in the middle of lecture. they look horrible. so dried and cracked and horrible like I ...