My Sanctuary

Got dragged to church by my mum today. Surprisingly, church service was quite amusing, instead of the anger that it evoked last year when I was there. attributing it in part to me being less of a rage filled angry unstable depressed person, and instead being a more terrible person who keeps hearing innuendos during the sermons on the birth of Jesus. so I guess it's a good sign that while I was still skeptical, the service was more amusing than rage inducing for me, another indicator that I've let go of the anger that I've harbored for so long? also, been feeling weirdly light and, dare I use the word, happy??? these past two weeks. yet I am being cautiously optimistic in what this means and am extremely wary of the coming friday since it's results day and who knows what'll happen. also despite it all I can't help but feel that this is just a phase, that all too soon it'll come crashing down again, I don't know how long this will last and I understa...

so today I met up with my favourite people in the world. we talked, had dinner, talked some more, and it was really nice. on the way home, as I was sitting in the bus, just thinking about things in general, I reaffirmed once again just how much I love these people. and I realized that they're one of the things that I'm truly thankful for in this world. you know you read about how you should write about things, like make a list of what you're grateful/thankful for so that you can better appreciate them and be a better happier person etc etc. but I never really got the hang of that, never really saw the point so I never could get into it. but today, on that bus, I realized just how thankful I was to have them. just thinking about it, if I'd offed myself 6 months ago like I so desperately wanted to at the time, I never would have been able to meet them today. sure, I wouldn't have had to deal with stress from university and the stress that naturally comes from t...

when I think about my dad, I no longer feel the pain and anger I used to harbor. there is still sadness yes, but I don't think that's ever going to go away. I'm sad that I didn't get to know you better, sad that I didn't let you get to know me better. I regret that we didn't have more time together, but then I remember that you didn't want this either. I can finally start to see the light at the end of this long dark tunnel. it's faint, and still a long way away, but it's there. I know I have a long way to go, and at times I might lose sight of that light while dealing with obstacles, but it feels good to have the knowledge that I'm going to make it, I just have to stick at it. these... episodes will probably continue to plague me for the next year or so, but the fact that I recognize and acknowledge them, that I've made progress in dealing with them, is improvement enough. as I look back on the past year, I do acknowledge that I...

I lie to people a lot. I just can't help it. because how do you look someone in the eye and tell them that over the last weekend, instead of being a productive person and studying for your mid term quizzes or writing essays, or being semi productive and at least starting something, or not being productive at all because you were out enjoying yourself, instead of all of that you hid in your room doing nothing trying to distract yourself from the familiar waves of despair threatening to engulf you, watching time tick by, culminating in a near panic attack which in turn made you skip class on monday. how.

take one day at a time, don't think of it in large chunks of time. I should be able to last 2 more weeks right? Right? and then after that? just the rest of my life right? no biggie right? Right?

today was nice. I had a restful night, the weather was actually pretty cool today, public transport wasn't as crowded as usual, I got to indulge a little in my glasses fetish, my mum bought a giant box of seashell chocolates and when I got home the air conditioner in my room was fixed. so let it be remembered that today was a good day

this is the fucking reason why I don't like to talk to others about what I'm feeling and why I never should have.

Allie  puts it way better than I could.

It's been so long since I've had any cause for celebration. and even now, I wonder. If this truly is worth celebrating, if I even have a right to rejoice. after all, isn't this still a step down? am I not now merely a disappointment instead of being a total failure? i sit by my window, looking out as the world passes me by.  people walk by, busy with their own concerns, several glancing up at me as they pass by. i watch them from the other side of the darkened glass. But they do not know. a child, barely six years old, stops, and throws a rock at the window 'Come out and play' he says, but  he too, leaves after a moment. i retreat back into the cool, inviting darkness of the room and huddle in a corner, taking care to wind the spare lengths of my chain into a neat pile by my feet. it is nice here. it is dark here. i am alone here. The wind stirs me awake. Cool, refreshing breeze. Light, it streams through an open window. I leap lightly to my feet and...