My Sanctuary

reading my old blog posts from years ago, I'm stuck by a sudden sense of nostalgia and an intense yearning for the past, for the good old times when my biggest troubles were frivolous teenage crushes and passing little tests. you don't know how much I long to have love trouble as my single greatest problem right now.(not belittling love problems here,merely stating an example, like that trouble could be replaced by the problem of say, getting whiter teeth, reducing the eyebags under my eyes etc.) those days were just....so nice and peaceful and carefree. carefree. free from serious issues, serious choices and most of all from responsibility. I want to go back to how things were before. it is only with the benefit of hindsight that I am truly able to appreciate all that I had before. only when you've lost something can you finally appreciate its true value. and so I end this with a new or rather old reminder which I used to follow(or try to,to the best of my abili

extremely late revelation, well not really a revelation, but you know how it's always so much easier said then done? so is this, just appreciating the little things in life, noticing and appreciating these little moments that brighten up my day, if only for a moment, if only for that moment. yes, there are good days and bad days, sometimes it just seems more like bad days and good moments. I realize I've become much more emotional and unstable, like for example how I never used to cry during movies etc because I really wasn't moved by anything on screen, but now I find myself bawling my eyes out almost every time someone dies/leaves etc am I gaining more empathy? And yet, slight improvements aside, I still can't seem to shake off this self-destructive cycle I've fallen into. but no, today's post I acknowledge the things I'm thankful for, the things worth living for, the things I've yet to but want to experience.

do you know what it feels like down here in this pit? "And, added she, musingly, ―the thing  that irks me most is this shattered prison, after all. I’m tired, tired of being enclosed  here. I’m wearying to escape into that glorious world, and to be always there; not  seeing it dimly through tears, and yearning for it through the walls of an aching heart;  but really with it, and in it. "- Wuthering Heights having stayed up all day, needless to say, a bad day.

the five stages of grief and how they feature in my search for closure. the stages have helped, in one way or another, in helping to understand. because it's right, sometimes acceptance may just mean having more good days than bad days, maybe you never will gain true acceptance, just the ability to cope. I count the days when I don't get so irrationally angry, bitter and resentful of the people around me that I go off and hide somewhere by myself as good days. but it's hard. I know that people asking after my well being are just concerned and being nice, that I shouldn't snap back at them with an angry sarcastic retort, because that doesn't help anybody. yet I just can't help feel that all they're doing is reinforcing their own ego, to show how freaking noble they are and shit because it's sad, but the only socially accepted and expected answer to the question "Are you okay?" is "Yes." once, in response to my teacher repeatedl

So here's my favorite quote from Tess of the D'Urbervilles, who after a year and a half just miiiight be growing on me a little. A Little. Angel: Retty was naturally morbid you know Tess: Without the least cause. While they who have cause to be hide it, and pretend they are not. Love her just for the sheer bitchiness of it, and come on it is very applicable to so many situations and even more people out there,so now whenever someone's going all drama queen on me this line just keeps running through my head. come to think of it, she might not have meant it in a bitchy way, but I doubt it. and unfortunately, I don't see how this quote will be applicable to any of my future essays on this book.

Honestly, this really is quite amusing and novel. for once in my life I'm totally unprepared for an exam and I couldn't give a shit. It's like today's history paper: Didn't study for any essay questions so just bullshitted enough for one side of the paper for each question then took a nap what? tomorrow's math paper + lit consult : Haven't even touched any notes or done the lit essay that was assigned for the consult but I frankly couldn't give a damn. Still watching running man at this time when my paper's at 8am and you need sleep to do math but I don't even care whaat? economics papers in 2 days covering the whole syllabus which of course I haven't even looked at but meh. results for BT2 are going to be interesting, very interesting. and you know what? I really, seriously do not care. it's like it's not even my life anymore, I'm looking down somewhere at someone else messing up their own life, I just feel so removed fro

I hate this year. It's just been so tiring. Becoming more self-destructive what with my addictive personality/obsessive behavior and extreme sleeping patterns due to the fact that I can no longer sleep in total darkness or without reading first, and provided that it's at like 3am when I'm already worn out or if I had only like 3 hours of sleep the day before or something. I guess some might say I'm acting out or some shit due to my loss but I say bugger off and leave me alone to wallow in self pity What is this world that we live in I am not a morning person. I dislike unnecessary social interaction before at least 11am. Honestly I'm fraying at the edges. having to put dreams on hold, added stress now that you're gone. Why dad, why. On another note, not sure if I'm falling sick or not, fever seems to have broken after taking panodol so pardon my incoherence and gloomy tone it'll pass.

with a sigh of resignation I shoulder on as I realize that I'm going to have to get used to it sooner or later. am finally reading the hunger games series, at an awkward time when there's so much shit to be done and yet I'm still procrastinating like this. essays I should have done days ago are not going to magically write themselves just because the deadline's in a day.

death by a 3 hour literature paper. 2 papers tomorrow= 4h 45min worth of writing put into perspective, I have 7h 45min(consisting of 1 math paper and 6 essays to write) before exams are over. and I wonder why most of those science students have such a nice exam timetable with only 1 paper each day, coming to the conclusion that people just hate arts students contemplating abandoning all hope and just going to sleep now. besides, why on earth is h1 math paper 2.5hours long?????????? coming to the realization that I'm not even doing a full history exam yet as exhausted as I am already the worst is yet to come. rambling fractured thoughts why do history students learn about the global economy pfft as of now I officially hate all forms of higher education, also hate myself for bringing this on myself I swear I will never be so unprepared again

so due to my experience in staying up late, I thought I'll just plot a timeline on the changes in my mood throughout the night/early morning 10-11pm: meh still early,I'm FULL OF ENERGY!!!! 11pm-12am: omg I am dying save me I'm too tired I can't do this anymore 12-1am: okay fine, I guess I'm not so tired after all, I can do this 2-4am: I want to sleep now now now I mean now my bed is beckoning me I love my bed I swear I will never leave it again I hate the world I hate my life I hate everyone 4-5am: what is this I..... 5-7am: stupefied coma(basically operating on autopilot, don't expect me to respond) 7-???: depending on the time/my mood/the weather/etc. I will either be dead the whole day or lightheaded and giggly so now torn between sleep and my literature essay due tomorrow. I shouldn't procrastinate, I shouldn't. Or I'll end up sleeping at 6am. But then I have no school. I shouldn't. Should I? I shouldn't. Hmm.... On another note my birthd

was reminded yesterday of why I love going to school really early in the morning, it's peaceful and quiet and much cooler before 7am. I really miss the days when we only had to stay in one classroom and the teachers would come to us for lessons. I am milking this turning 18 thing for all it's worth and surprisingly it is working to some extent, but we'll see how things go... school is still depressing and blah and the same doubts and insecurities as last year are back. more pressure on all sides for me to decide on my future career or at least decide on the course I plan to study in university when I can't even begin to imagine myself taking A'levels at the end of the year.

family photo minus my two older brothers, why is the picture so small ugh whatever. I miss this place so much. And when I say this place I don't mean Korea I mean Japan. have I mentioned that I need a new winter wardrobe?

retreating into my happy place, now that I'm back in this stifling space a magical land that lights up at night, where I play on my piano of ice on a happier note, my new history tutor has inspired me and renewed my hope in the subject. my school's open house is tomorrow and you wonder why I don't feel more excited

"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here" - from Dante's Divine Comedy that phrase has been in my head these past few days, and no wonder,what with school starting tomorrow. but that's not the only one thing. "No one is here by chance." SAJC's motto or something whatever. I've been unconsciously repeating it over and over in my head until recently I realized that what I was saying(in my head) was wrong, instead of the word 'chance', I'd used 'choice'. "No one is here by choice." over and over and over... I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something.