My Sanctuary

Today I want to express my gratitude for whatever coincidence or whim of fate that saw me paired up with my current partner for my research project. Okay so technically we're each doing separate projects and all, but we still need to work together a lot to create materials for the experiments, coordinate information, and bond over our mutual suffering. It's true I've been more sociable this semester, but there are still precious few people that I actively like and seek to spend more time with outside of routine, unavoidable interaction.  I guess I'm just marveling at the new found fact that I can, indeed, find people I like and want to hang out with. To tell you the truth, I'd been a little worried recently at my inability to maintain friendships. I mean, I do have my core group of close friends whom I love to pieces, but beyond that, nothing. Not since secondary school have I managed to actually keep friends I made. I either cut people off or let them

Another semester over. Well, almost over, just finals left and it'll be done. In the midst of all the stress and whatnot, I often forget to be grateful for all the good things that have happened this semester, and sometimes I get so caught up in my thoughts going round in a destructive spiral that it seems as if nothing good did happen. But they did. I have definitely been a more functional and socially adjusted member of society this semester. In fact, I do believe that this was the semester where I've been my most sociable, talking to new people, making new friends, trying out new experiences and actively working to change my dysfunctional thought patterns and behaviours. This semester has been even busier than the last (a thing I did not think was possible), and I probably took on more work than I was prepared to handle. There were so many times when I was consumed by stress, overwhelmed by expectations and my still crippling fear of failure (I'm trying o

Do you know how long it's been since I was up this late doing work???? Okay, so like, 5 months. Still, it's only been what, 3 weeks since school started? I just want to sleep dammit.

So it's father's day today,and I'll be lying if I said I wasn't affected. it's always the little things that remind me of him. since I've been here in Germany, the one thing that always comes up is cars and driving. almost everyone I know drives ,or is learning, so you kind of stick out if you don't and have no intention to, like me. it's easy to laugh off and give the excuse that it's because Singapore's too small and it's too expensive to own a car anyway, but that's only part of the reason why. For me it's mainly because driving reminds me so much of him. He was such a great driver, driving since he was 18. he would fetch us around without complaint, and I grew up wanting to learn how to drive, secure in the knowledge that even if I didn't know anything or was scared, he would always be there to help and guide me. but he's not, not anymore. and I still can't get into a car without thinking of him, being reminde

Last Thursday we went to see  Neuschwanstein castle. line was too long so we didn't bother queuing for tickets and just went straight to trekking uphill to it. the climb was shorter than had been indicated on the website, definitely not 40 minutes, maybe 20 I think? the view was gorgeous, especially the one on the bridge behind, we also scrambled up this other hill in search for a better view from higher up, but the one from the bridge is still the best. I love mountains, hills, and big green spaces, probably because we hardly have that back home. as I stood there, taking in the beauty of it all, I marveled at being there at all. in an entirely new place halfway across the world, with friends, feeling blissful and content. just being able to appreciate the beauty of that moment, being able to live in the present, I couldn't help but feel incredulous. Grateful too, of course, so, so grateful. gradually, over the past 3 weeks, I've gotten started thinking about my rec

Am so busy that I hardly have any free time to myself but at the same time I'm also having the time of my life. So here's something  I wrote in my journal today: Had our first German test today. It was not good. Mainly because I wasn’t very prepared for it, as I didn’t go memorise enough vocabulary and so as a result suffered the consequences. But whatever. Went to the Rittersport chocolate museum after that with Rebecca, Keenan, Rose, Carmen and Bobo. The scent of chocolate was heavenly. And there was so much variety in the shop! It took every ounce of self-control not to get everything in sight. I still bought a good 35 Euro worth of chocolate though. I stopped myself because I knew that I would still be buying other kinds of chocolate as well. Also Carmen is going skydiving in Prague, so I finally got the name of the place from her, will tell Su Hui tomorrow and possibly discuss going there as well! I really really want to go skydiving, it’s one of my dreams in life. Can

So somehow I always get hit with a wave of intense nostalgia about midway through finals, but then when finals actually ends I don't really feel any different. Nevertheless that is another semester over and done with, and with that, my second year in university as well. I feel like every semester I finish is an accomplishment for me, because at every start of the past 4 semesters, I've never been sure if I'll actually live through it, never really knowing where I might end up at the end of it. Throughout the term I continue to constantly question and second guess myself  at every turn, and it always seems impossible to continue on. And yet, here I am. Still. I'm only halfway through, but it feels pretty significant, especially since I still don't quite believe it myself. One thing I really love about university is the number of excellent professors I've met. This semester, I've been lucky in that I liked them all, except one, and more than that, I had

"Real depression, the narrator insists, is different. To me it's like being completely, totally, utterly sick. I will try to explain what I mean. Imagine feeling really sick to your stomach. Now imagine your whole body being sick like that. Imagine that every cell in your body, every single cell in your body, is as sick as that nauseated stomach. Not just your own cells even but the E. coli and lactobacilli too. The mitochondria basal bodies, all sick and boiling, hot like maggots in your neck, your brain, all over, everywhere, in everything. All just sick as hell. Now imagine that every single atom in every single cell in your body is sick like that. Sick. Intolerably sick. And every proton and neutron and every atom swollen and throbbing off-color. Sick with just no chance of throwing up to relieve the feeling. Every electron is sick. Here, twirling off balance and all erratic in these funhouse orbitals that are just thick and swirling with modelled yellow and purple poison

I think the fact that I am still awake at this time and nowhere near finishing this assignment is very telling. no, I do not seem to be coping well. seems like I've severely overestimated my ability to juggle an increased course load with extra readings and effective time and stress management.

timetable planning is the second most stressful thing about university after finals. like I actually started tearing up in joy when I received an email informing me that my appeal to a particular course had been successful. it's only been the first week back and I am already super stressed out. the pressure of maintaining/improving my GPA, to not let anyone down, is even more than before. I am stressed out by all my stress. and I am very worried that I may be taking on more than I can handle this semester, volunteering and part time work, on top of keeping up with an increased course load and health issues, I really hope I can cope with it all.