My Sanctuary

I also resolve to study much harder next year. I mean, I love my major, so it's really just years of ingrained laziness and procrastination that's stopping me. I've already seen for myself that studying produces results. I don't know why that still surprises me, because it really shouldn't. and my dreams are within reach, I can see it. All I have to do is put in the effort, and I will. I will.

the end of another year is almost upon us. I was reviewing my New Year's resolutions for this year and I actually managed to fulfill one of them.  Of course I dismally failed the other, failed so badly I don't even know where to start again. am I better off than I was a year ago? Specifically I mean December of 2013?  Definitely not. I mean, don't even get me started on where I was a year ago. It still hurts to think about it, of how different my present could be if things had only gone differently. but am I better off than 2 years ago? Hell yes. I will admit there have been tremendous setbacks this year, but on the other hand I can not ignore the progress made, no matter how little. I've actually surprised myself by setting some new life goals to work toward to in the coming few years. they're still pretty tentative, and the thought of not being able to fulfill them terrifies me everyday, but it's a start in giving some direction to my life. I und

they may be terribly few and far between, but I live for days like these. "you did a very good job." I can't even remember the last time I was praised for some work I'd done, either by others or myself. so I will cherish these words, and the incredibly light feeling of euphoria they invoked, as if all my troubles had suddenly disappeared, I just felt so elated, so... light. as if a great burden had been momentarily lifted from me, making me almost giddy with joy. having to stop myself from grinning like an idiot in public because for however long this weird high lasts, I feel like I actually have some hope.

the semester is ending. today was the last class discussion we had for the introduction to public administration module. I just want to note down my good feelings and enjoyment of the course before the madness of finals hits and I start hating everything. I really didn't expect to enjoy this module as much as I have. this is really due to my professor, and I'm reminded yet again of the wonders a passionate teacher can do. I mean, the material can still be dry and seemingly never ending at times, but his little anecdotes and patient understanding in the face of our ignorance (it helps that I'm taking it with first years so expectations are lowered) plus how excited he gets when talking about it, you can really see the passion shining through and how fascinated he is by it, just rubs off on me and I find myself thoroughly engaged by it too. this module has really helped opened my eyes to a lot of things, it's jump started my critical thinking skills again and

End of a tiring week by watching the rurouni kenshin movie! I've always liked the series, having watched it since I was a kid. when  I re-watched and reread it 2 years ago I fell in love with it all over again, but this time, for different reasons. when I was younger, the story was what enthralled me. Solid story telling, likable and well developed characters, awesome action sequences, and the anime had a fantastic music score. of course I still love all that about the series. Now though, I can more fully appreciate the themes in the story, the subtle nuances, the tragedy, and most of all the strength that kenshin displays. the story resonates so well with me because I finally understand why hiko was so frustrated with kenshin, just how broken kenshin was, how the lack of that one fundamental thing could kill him. The loss of his will to live. for a majority of people, their will to live isn't something they've ever thought to question, it's automatic, intuitive,

so I may have overreacted a few nights ago. the sad thing is, that is not the first nor will it be the last time I ever cry over something like that. at least the week's finally over, thank goodness. what with me being a wreck, physically, mentally and emotionally, all I want is a break. so I'm going to go sleep this off, and hope that when tomorrow comes, everything will indeed be better.

As I write this I am literally sitting here, at my computer, crying. Why? oh nothing, just the old my world is crashing down on me feeling, this time exacerbated by my low self-esteem. I like to leave the cupboard door with the full length mirror open almost all the time. why, my roommate once asked me. because I need to check how I look like, I answered. I act like I'm confidant in myself and my appearance because fake it till you make it right? I never realized just how important how I felt I looked like was to me till today. just how much hinges on my appearance. my lips have been acting up lately, drying up. I've never had this problem before, my lips have always been fine, so this really freaked me out. today it was especially bad. I can't even smile properly without it cracking and bleeding. And sometimes it just cracks by itself and starts bleeding, like it did today in the middle of lecture. they look horrible. so dried and cracked and horrible like I

you don't really realize just how rarely you get to personally say goodbye to someone at the end of a relationship. be it your family member, friend, or significant other. hardly ever do you really get closure. I'm struggling to put into words what I'm feeling. because I'm honestly glad that you're doing fine, and that you're going off to get a fresh start. but I still resent you. For reasons that aren't actually your fault. there, I've said it. I wish you all the best, and I hope you will enjoy yourself, but I can't bear the sight of you, news of you, or anything related to you, not yet. undoubtedly time will heal all wounds, and some day, when I'm better, maybe... I am aware of how incredibly selfish all this talk about myself sounds, I, me, I. no doubt you too have no wish to ever see me again, and I don't blame you. may our paths never cross.

School is starting again tomorrow, and I'm nervous. I'm trying not to panic, to be more optimistic about the new school year, but then optimism has never really been one of my strong points. it's been a good holiday I think, and I wish it never had to end. I went on a holiday, did a lot more baking, and read 5 new books. I'm particularly proud of the books. I used to love reading. I mean, I still do, I love books and reading. but before this holiday, it's been a little over 2 years since I've read a book, let alone 5. me, the one who used to carry a book around everywhere, who once borrowed almost 20 books from the library to bring home to read. I didn't really notice it, or maybe I just didn't want to. my friends and I all love to read, it's one of the things that brought us together. these past 2 years, I would hear them, see them, with new books and such and it saddened me. you know, the part about losing interest in things you used to

today I did something that scared me. it will probably seem insignificant to many, but still, I did it. steeling myself up to pick up the phone, I kept telling myself not to feel scared, that I've faced scarier phone conversations before and survived, that there wasn't anything to be afraid of. even now my fingers still tremble a little. I'm trying, honestly. but it's so hard, and I'm so tired. it feels like I'm trying to claw my way up a slippery slope, you think you're making progress but suddenly, inconceivably, you slip up and down you go again. is this my new normal? please no.

thinking about it, I realize that learning Japanese is the only thing I've ever pursued purely out of interest. there aren't really any achievements I'm planning on accomplishing, no pressure to succeed in it, no endgame. I'm learning it simply because I like it. sometimes, when people ask, I tell them about how I'm planning on taking this certification or that, just to seem like I have stuff planned out for the future, like I'm trying to justify what I'm doing, to make this seem more legitimate or something. but I don't really care actually. I like Japanese culture, I find their language beautiful, and that's all there is to it. and I am lucky to be able to pursue this interest like this. so the thought of continuing my lessons again is pretty exciting. I met my old Japanese teacher today. talk about a blast from the past. it's...odd really. my dad's death anniversary just passed a few days ago, and then seeing her again today ju

My last paper ended 2 hours ago, which means that finals are over! And now I'm just sitting in my hostel, at my very messy desk, overflowing with various notes and textbooks, evidence from the frantic desperate week, procrastinating on packing up. looking out the window, at the surroundings I'd grown so accustomed to seeing, thinking about how much I'm going to miss this place. I never thought I would grow so attached to this hostel. when I first moved in I didn't even think I would be spending much time here, and now I can't bear to leave. I don't know what's suddenly gotten into me, with this sudden wave of nostalgia. maybe it's because my first year at uni is so suddenly over and I'm unexpectedly still in one piece. or maybe because I didn't get much sleep last night and I'm just rambling. I've been sitting here in silence just contemplating the past semester for a while now. it's very calming and peaceful. well, time t

you know what's more stressful than not having any life goals? actually having goals because I can't help but freak out over everything because everything I do now seems to be failing horribly and just pushing me further and further away from what I'm trying to achieve and I just have so much to do now and no time and everything's so overwhelming like I don't want to disappoint people or myself but right now I'm really falling short of my own expectations and standards and I don't know what to do and on top of everything else of course there's always the constant threat of a relapse and oh fuck it all. I just want someone to come and reassure me that everything's going to be okay and that I can handle all this shit just fine. Because I sure as hell don't believe my own scant words of encouragement to myself.

first, or is it the second major freakout of the semester? so tired, unable to move, unable to will myself to do anything. panicking all night long, unable to sleep. why is it so easy to lie to people? why do people depend on me? it was just too hard to get up, put on my normal face and do things today. everything seems so overwhelming and pointless. I'll try again tomorrow. but fuck is it goddamn hard.

I would tell you how tiring this all is, but I'm too tired to muster up the courage to say it. I would write about how weary and empty everything is, but it's just too exhausting.

New Year's resolutions for 2014: (a little late but I've been thinking about it lately so why not.) 1) Recovery. Work at it, continue with it, and try to stay stable insofar as that is possible. 2) Continue to exercise. Do it for yourself, and also because it helps and is an important part of 1). 3) I feel like I should put something here about expanding my social circle and being more social and stuff but eh. 4) Like really, I think I should be writing about going out of my comfort zone and stuff but again, eh. because that's it really, all I want from the year is to be healthy.

In 2013, I met 2 teachers who both made an incredible impact on my life. the first, was my Japanese language teacher. I met her in may 2013, and she taught me Japanese for the next three months. she was like one of those anime characters, the super perky and optimistic kind that you feel like strangling because nobody could possibly be that bright and happy all the time. but she was. ( and I didn't feel like strangling her) she was always cheerful and smiling, optimistic and encouraging, friendly and open. despite the language barrier, and despite being a first time teacher, she did an absolutely splendid job, and will always remain one of the people I am most thankful to have met. her lessons were really enjoyable and engaging, and I always looked forward to them and attended almost all of them diligently. note that this was at a time when I was at one of my lowest points in my life, in the midst of my depression and isolation, she was this shining beacon of light and hap