My Sanctuary

I was ashamed of loving you. I was ashamed that I fell so hard for you, and gave so much to you, when it turns out that you never cared about me at all. That you were just toying with me. I felt so foolish, felt so much shame, that I lashed out in contempt and hostility in an attempt to transfer that shame. I’m trying to let go. I’m trying not to stew in my anger. I’m afraid of what will happen if that anger turns to hatred. I couldn’t even look you in the eye last week, because I felt such gut churning resentment and irritation. The sight of you irked me so much I could barely stand to be in your presence. It annoyed me so much that I don’t even want to associate with any of our mutual friends because they remind me of you. It’s less intense now, but the feeling of wanting to cut ties with you, with all of them, and leave it all behind is still there. But yesterday I made the decision that I wouldn’t leave, and I stand by my decision.

New Year's resolutions: 1) Finish the online course on coding and making games. 2) Get back to exercising once a week (was alright for the first half of 2015, then totally stopped during the second half) 3) Start meditating again. (again, not sure what happened second half of last year) 4) Continue being more open with people. 5) Keep working on recovery. I am so scared and excited and nervous for this year, and I'm not quite sure which emotion dominates. All the best me, I can't believed you've survived another year.

Today I want to express my gratitude for whatever coincidence or whim of fate that saw me paired up with my current partner for my research project. Okay so technically we're each doing separate projects and all, but we still need to work together a lot to create materials for the experiments, coordinate information, and bond over our mutual suffering. It's true I've been more sociable this semester, but there are still precious few people that I actively like and seek to spend more time with outside of routine, unavoidable interaction.  I guess I'm just marveling at the new found fact that I can, indeed, find people I like and want to hang out with. To tell you the truth, I'd been a little worried recently at my inability to maintain friendships. I mean, I do have my core group of close friends whom I love to pieces, but beyond that, nothing. Not since secondary school have I managed to actually keep friends I made. I either cut people off or let them ...

Another semester over. Well, almost over, just finals left and it'll be done. In the midst of all the stress and whatnot, I often forget to be grateful for all the good things that have happened this semester, and sometimes I get so caught up in my thoughts going round in a destructive spiral that it seems as if nothing good did happen. But they did. I have definitely been a more functional and socially adjusted member of society this semester. In fact, I do believe that this was the semester where I've been my most sociable, talking to new people, making new friends, trying out new experiences and actively working to change my dysfunctional thought patterns and behaviours. This semester has been even busier than the last (a thing I did not think was possible), and I probably took on more work than I was prepared to handle. There were so many times when I was consumed by stress, overwhelmed by expectations and my still crippling fear of failure (I'm trying o...

Do you know how long it's been since I was up this late doing work???? Okay, so like, 5 months. Still, it's only been what, 3 weeks since school started? I just want to sleep dammit.

So it's father's day today,and I'll be lying if I said I wasn't affected. it's always the little things that remind me of him. since I've been here in Germany, the one thing that always comes up is cars and driving. almost everyone I know drives ,or is learning, so you kind of stick out if you don't and have no intention to, like me. it's easy to laugh off and give the excuse that it's because Singapore's too small and it's too expensive to own a car anyway, but that's only part of the reason why. For me it's mainly because driving reminds me so much of him. He was such a great driver, driving since he was 18. he would fetch us around without complaint, and I grew up wanting to learn how to drive, secure in the knowledge that even if I didn't know anything or was scared, he would always be there to help and guide me. but he's not, not anymore. and I still can't get into a car without thinking of him, being reminde...

Last Thursday we went to see  Neuschwanstein castle. line was too long so we didn't bother queuing for tickets and just went straight to trekking uphill to it. the climb was shorter than had been indicated on the website, definitely not 40 minutes, maybe 20 I think? the view was gorgeous, especially the one on the bridge behind, we also scrambled up this other hill in search for a better view from higher up, but the one from the bridge is still the best. I love mountains, hills, and big green spaces, probably because we hardly have that back home. as I stood there, taking in the beauty of it all, I marveled at being there at all. in an entirely new place halfway across the world, with friends, feeling blissful and content. just being able to appreciate the beauty of that moment, being able to live in the present, I couldn't help but feel incredulous. Grateful too, of course, so, so grateful. gradually, over the past 3 weeks, I've gotten started thinking about my rec...

Am so busy that I hardly have any free time to myself but at the same time I'm also having the time of my life. So here's something  I wrote in my journal today: Had our first German test today. It was not good. Mainly because I wasn’t very prepared for it, as I didn’t go memorise enough vocabulary and so as a result suffered the consequences. But whatever. Went to the Rittersport chocolate museum after that with Rebecca, Keenan, Rose, Carmen and Bobo. The scent of chocolate was heavenly. And there was so much variety in the shop! It took every ounce of self-control not to get everything in sight. I still bought a good 35 Euro worth of chocolate though. I stopped myself because I knew that I would still be buying other kinds of chocolate as well. Also Carmen is going skydiving in Prague, so I finally got the name of the place from her, will tell Su Hui tomorrow and possibly discuss going there as well! I really really want to go skydiving, it’s one of my dreams in life. Can ...

So somehow I always get hit with a wave of intense nostalgia about midway through finals, but then when finals actually ends I don't really feel any different. Nevertheless that is another semester over and done with, and with that, my second year in university as well. I feel like every semester I finish is an accomplishment for me, because at every start of the past 4 semesters, I've never been sure if I'll actually live through it, never really knowing where I might end up at the end of it. Throughout the term I continue to constantly question and second guess myself  at every turn, and it always seems impossible to continue on. And yet, here I am. Still. I'm only halfway through, but it feels pretty significant, especially since I still don't quite believe it myself. One thing I really love about university is the number of excellent professors I've met. This semester, I've been lucky in that I liked them all, except one, and more than that, I had ...

"Real depression, the narrator insists, is different. To me it's like being completely, totally, utterly sick. I will try to explain what I mean. Imagine feeling really sick to your stomach. Now imagine your whole body being sick like that. Imagine that every cell in your body, every single cell in your body, is as sick as that nauseated stomach. Not just your own cells even but the E. coli and lactobacilli too. The mitochondria basal bodies, all sick and boiling, hot like maggots in your neck, your brain, all over, everywhere, in everything. All just sick as hell. Now imagine that every single atom in every single cell in your body is sick like that. Sick. Intolerably sick. And every proton and neutron and every atom swollen and throbbing off-color. Sick with just no chance of throwing up to relieve the feeling. Every electron is sick. Here, twirling off balance and all erratic in these funhouse orbitals that are just thick and swirling with modelled yellow and purple poison...

I think the fact that I am still awake at this time and nowhere near finishing this assignment is very telling. no, I do not seem to be coping well. seems like I've severely overestimated my ability to juggle an increased course load with extra readings and effective time and stress management.

timetable planning is the second most stressful thing about university after finals. like I actually started tearing up in joy when I received an email informing me that my appeal to a particular course had been successful. it's only been the first week back and I am already super stressed out. the pressure of maintaining/improving my GPA, to not let anyone down, is even more than before. I am stressed out by all my stress. and I am very worried that I may be taking on more than I can handle this semester, volunteering and part time work, on top of keeping up with an increased course load and health issues, I really hope I can cope with it all.

I also resolve to study much harder next year. I mean, I love my major, so it's really just years of ingrained laziness and procrastination that's stopping me. I've already seen for myself that studying produces results. I don't know why that still surprises me, because it really shouldn't. and my dreams are within reach, I can see it. All I have to do is put in the effort, and I will. I will.

the end of another year is almost upon us. I was reviewing my New Year's resolutions for this year and I actually managed to fulfill one of them.  Of course I dismally failed the other, failed so badly I don't even know where to start again. am I better off than I was a year ago? Specifically I mean December of 2013?  Definitely not. I mean, don't even get me started on where I was a year ago. It still hurts to think about it, of how different my present could be if things had only gone differently. but am I better off than 2 years ago? Hell yes. I will admit there have been tremendous setbacks this year, but on the other hand I can not ignore the progress made, no matter how little. I've actually surprised myself by setting some new life goals to work toward to in the coming few years. they're still pretty tentative, and the thought of not being able to fulfill them terrifies me everyday, but it's a start in giving some direction to my life. I und...

they may be terribly few and far between, but I live for days like these. "you did a very good job." I can't even remember the last time I was praised for some work I'd done, either by others or myself. so I will cherish these words, and the incredibly light feeling of euphoria they invoked, as if all my troubles had suddenly disappeared, I just felt so elated, so... light. as if a great burden had been momentarily lifted from me, making me almost giddy with joy. having to stop myself from grinning like an idiot in public because for however long this weird high lasts, I feel like I actually have some hope.

the semester is ending. today was the last class discussion we had for the introduction to public administration module. I just want to note down my good feelings and enjoyment of the course before the madness of finals hits and I start hating everything. I really didn't expect to enjoy this module as much as I have. this is really due to my professor, and I'm reminded yet again of the wonders a passionate teacher can do. I mean, the material can still be dry and seemingly never ending at times, but his little anecdotes and patient understanding in the face of our ignorance (it helps that I'm taking it with first years so expectations are lowered) plus how excited he gets when talking about it, you can really see the passion shining through and how fascinated he is by it, just rubs off on me and I find myself thoroughly engaged by it too. this module has really helped opened my eyes to a lot of things, it's jump started my critical thinking skills again and ...

End of a tiring week by watching the rurouni kenshin movie! I've always liked the series, having watched it since I was a kid. when  I re-watched and reread it 2 years ago I fell in love with it all over again, but this time, for different reasons. when I was younger, the story was what enthralled me. Solid story telling, likable and well developed characters, awesome action sequences, and the anime had a fantastic music score. of course I still love all that about the series. Now though, I can more fully appreciate the themes in the story, the subtle nuances, the tragedy, and most of all the strength that kenshin displays. the story resonates so well with me because I finally understand why hiko was so frustrated with kenshin, just how broken kenshin was, how the lack of that one fundamental thing could kill him. The loss of his will to live. for a majority of people, their will to live isn't something they've ever thought to question, it's automatic, intuitive, ...

so I may have overreacted a few nights ago. the sad thing is, that is not the first nor will it be the last time I ever cry over something like that. at least the week's finally over, thank goodness. what with me being a wreck, physically, mentally and emotionally, all I want is a break. so I'm going to go sleep this off, and hope that when tomorrow comes, everything will indeed be better.

As I write this I am literally sitting here, at my computer, crying. Why? oh nothing, just the old my world is crashing down on me feeling, this time exacerbated by my low self-esteem. I like to leave the cupboard door with the full length mirror open almost all the time. why, my roommate once asked me. because I need to check how I look like, I answered. I act like I'm confidant in myself and my appearance because fake it till you make it right? I never realized just how important how I felt I looked like was to me till today. just how much hinges on my appearance. my lips have been acting up lately, drying up. I've never had this problem before, my lips have always been fine, so this really freaked me out. today it was especially bad. I can't even smile properly without it cracking and bleeding. And sometimes it just cracks by itself and starts bleeding, like it did today in the middle of lecture. they look horrible. so dried and cracked and horrible like I ...

you don't really realize just how rarely you get to personally say goodbye to someone at the end of a relationship. be it your family member, friend, or significant other. hardly ever do you really get closure. I'm struggling to put into words what I'm feeling. because I'm honestly glad that you're doing fine, and that you're going off to get a fresh start. but I still resent you. For reasons that aren't actually your fault. there, I've said it. I wish you all the best, and I hope you will enjoy yourself, but I can't bear the sight of you, news of you, or anything related to you, not yet. undoubtedly time will heal all wounds, and some day, when I'm better, maybe... I am aware of how incredibly selfish all this talk about myself sounds, I, me, I. no doubt you too have no wish to ever see me again, and I don't blame you. may our paths never cross.